About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
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