note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
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