I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Randomize
