She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
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