don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
