At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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