nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
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