We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
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