his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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