It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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