Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Randomize
