Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
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