Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize
