If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
he laminated a picture of his dick.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Randomize
