New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
