I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
