oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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