anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
