I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
