My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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