highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
