Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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