I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize