Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
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