Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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