If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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