...is it true? will i see you next weekend
YES.
ah, i can't wait till there's negative 2 inches between us
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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