I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
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