I just made out with a guy for $7.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
