I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
COCAINE IS GR8
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
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