last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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