He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
