I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
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