you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
