He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
