Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
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