i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
i think i scared a bird with my dick
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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