I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Randomize
