he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
