I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
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