No, drunk sperm still make babies.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Randomize
