Will you blow on my dice?
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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