you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
absolutely 100% incorrect. and i love you more you silk skinned goddess
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
