he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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