I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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