i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
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