also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Randomize
