I only kidnapped one of them. chill
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
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