You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
