I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
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