I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
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